What It Feels Like To Be Free
by SpiritMuse
Summary: Not really a story, more a musing about QSM. Slight warning, contains some disturbing imagery. Then again, it IS QSM we're talking about.


1 Title: What It Feels Like To Be free  
  
Author: Darien's Muse  
  
Rating: No idea. No language, but there is some pretty disturbing imagery.  
  
Spoilers: Mostly general stuff, Pilot, Ralph, Flowers For Hobbes, Money for Nothing. And please note, this is before Possessed. (I didn't feel like dealing with the inconsistencies created by that eppy *g*)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own stuff. Everyone belongs to somebody else. This is just for fun and education, not making any money (I wish).  
  
Summary: Not really a story, this is more of a musing about QSM.  
  
Author's Notes: This is not so much a fanfic, as it is an attempt by me to understand QSM. And also note that there seem to be a lot of different opinions on the exact definitions of the different stages. This is my own opinion, based on things I've seen on the show and the info on QSM on SCIFI's official I-Man site.  
  
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2 What It Feels Like To Be Free  
  
By Darien's Muse  
  
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In the movie 'The Matrix', Laurence Fishburne says: "Unfortunately, nobody can be told what the Matrix is." It's kind of the same with Quicksilver Madness. The only way to really understand it is to experience it yourself. But I'm gonna try here to put the experience into words, so that you who read this will understand at least part of it.  
  
First of all, there is the ever-present... buzz. I think that's the best way to describe it. It's not a sound really, more like a continuous... something... It's like a sort of static in my head, always there. You know how there's this ringing in your ears when it's dead quiet? If you concentrate on it, you'll notice it's always there. It's kinda like that, only, this isn't really a sound. Most of the time I don't notice it, but it gets stronger as I come closer to madness, and a lot harder to ignore.  
  
Next, I think, are the headaches. Since they are what is called Stage One. Or at least, I think they're Stage One. To me they are, anyway.  
  
It's not a normal headache, obviously. It's basically that same buzz as before, but now it's grown so strong that it's getting impossible to ignore. It doesn't really hurt, at least not in the usual sense. I guess I could compare it to some sort of migraine, a strange, dulled down sort of pain in the back of my head. ...And that just sounds wrong even as I write it down, because it's not a physical pain.  
  
But that's only the background noise... the spikes are a different story entirely.  
  
  
  
I call them spikes, because that's what it feels like. Like somebody's hammering a nail into the back of my head... from the inside. Once, in the beginning, I tried hitting the back of my head hoping to overpower it with that outside pain. It helped... for about three seconds. Then the spikes retaliated and I thought I was gonna black out. Then and there I decided to never try that again.  
  
When the spikes die down, that's when I enter what they call Stage Two. My eyes are starting to become bloodshot, the most telltale sign of my condition, and a pretty scary thing to see when you don't have a clue what's going on, like I had, or rather didn't have, the first time it happened.  
  
The pain is gone, but an explosive temper takes its place. And I do mean explosive. I get angry at the drop of a hat, and it's very hard for me to stop myself, to calm down. But I'm still sort of able to control myself, to keep myself from doing too horrible things. I'm still mostly sane, and lucid enough to know exactly what's happening to me.  
  
It's a very scary thing to feel your sanity slowly but surely slipping away, and not being able to do anything about it...  
  
I guess it's kinda like... someone's performing an operation on you, something fatal, like taking out your heart, and you're conscious, so you know exactly what's going on. You can feel the knife cutting into you, slowly but surely making its way to your heart, and you know you're going to die. But you're completely paralyzed, so you can't do anything about it. You can feel it happening, and there's nothing you can do to stop it...  
  
  
  
It's strange, somewhere along the way I go from lucid to "lost it", and I don't realize it. I keep believing I'm still sane, that I'm still the same person, even though I'm not. It's like in a dream. You know how in a dream everything seems completely normal, and only after you wake up you realize that everything was completely nuts? That's how it is for me, when they give me the Counteragent and I "wake up" from my madness.  
  
  
  
The next stage, Stage Three, is basically the same as Stage Two, except everything is magnified. My eyes are now completely red. Hobbes tells me it's one of the scariest things in the world. He's right, it does look kinda freaky. But I'm guessing it's more than just my physical appearance that scares him though. I think it freaks him because it means I've gone crazy. And there's nothing scarier than to see your best friend suddenly change into someone else, someone you don't like, someone who doesn't like you. I know. I've seen it happen to Hobbes, when he was infected by some genius-creating retrovirus. He changed from his everyday normal, friendly Hobbesy self into a hyper-intelligent, know-it-all Hobbes who didn't want anything to do with me. It scared the hell out of me, and I can't understand how he deals with my insanity on an almost weekly basis... But that's Hobbesy for ya.  
  
  
  
Whoa, seems I got a little sidetracked there, sorry about that.  
  
And now, Back To The Madness.  
  
Stage Three is where we were. My temper has gotten even worse, if that's in any way possible. By this time, there's way more anger and hatred in me than I can really control. Most of my rational thoughts are gone, and usually what I want to do is make people suffer. I want to hurt them, I want to punish them, punish the world for what it has done to me. And I don't care if the people I'm hurting are innocent or not. Nobody can bring me to reason, nobody... Except for the people that touch my heart the most. People like little Jessica. For her I could somehow find the strength to control myself, to stop myself from hurting her, and I managed to run away.  
  
I really surprised myself that day. I never thought I could do that.  
  
  
  
Stage Four. Haven't been there too often. But the difference between Stage Three and Four isn't too big. Well, I do lose all control I had left. And I become paranoid as hell. If hell were paranoid, that is. I can't bring myself to trust anyone. A classic case of "I hate the world and everyone is out to get me." That last part is usually true, though. When I'm crazy, everyone really is out to get me. The Agency wants to give me my shot, and everyone else wants to kill me...  
  
And last, but by no means least... there's Stage Five.  
  
I've really only been there once, and that was one time too many, if you ask me. It's a state of mind that is horrifying. I don't ever want to go there again, no matter what... it has become the one thing I fear most. Stage One through Four pale in comparison to the horror of Stage Five...  
  
  
  
As far as I can tell, my control was back, my temper back in check, as long as nobody tried to cross me, that is. Every last bit of conscience was gone, every bit of morality I had left simply went out the window. And I believed I was invincible. I wasn't, really, though with the added strength of the Madness I came close. It's funny, the only time I don't get my ass kicked when I fight is when I'm Quicksilver Nuts. When I'm not me. So it's not really me that doesn't get his ass kicked... I think I just confused myself there. And I know I'm getting sidetracked again.  
  
Stage Five, then.  
  
I became this deadly calm, icy cold, calculating... person. All I wanted was to accomplish my goal, get to Arnaud and kill him, and I didn't care if I had to mislead, use, torture or kill people to do it. I did some terrible things, things I don't really wanna go into right now. Some of them just for fun... Like the mime, who gave a more than realistic impression of being beat up, blood and all, thanks to my invisible "help". I scared the heck out of a lot of people. And what's more, in that sick state of mind, I actually enjoyed doing the horrific things I did.  
  
I did some of the worst things a person can do, and I loved every second of it...  
  
  
  
In Stage Five, my eyes turned from red to solid silver. Hobbes told me it was the single scariest thing he had ever seen. He said it seemed like those cold, piercing eyes (no offense, he told me) could see right through him. I wouldn't know, I didn't bother to look in the mirror.  
  
Thank God for the Counteragent...  
  
I'm really glad it's there, though in Stage Five the concentration of Quicksilver in my blood was so high that it hardly had any effect. The only way back to sanity was with the help of an extra strong version of it, which only, irony of ironies, my mortal enemy Arnaud knew how to make. And even then it took me a while to get back to normal. Well, as normal as I get, with all this crap going on.  
  
The Counteragent. It feels like... Actually, the way it feels depends on how far gone I am. If I'm on time for my shot, which sometimes seems to be exception rather than rule, I don't feel much of it (other than the pain of the needle, that is. Why does Claire always have to use such a big needle?!). But if I'm already doing the Cuckoo Dance, it feels more like a cold shower, a very cold shower. And it seems that the further gone I am, the more it knocks me out. Claire told me that that's because of the extreme stress the quick decrease of Quicksilver in my blood puts on my system. I can't say I mind, though. It's very relieving actually. Makes it feel kinda like I'm only waking up from a bad dream.  
  
That is, until the memories come back...  
  
  
  
That's the worst thing about the whole madness. You see, I remember everything I did while insane. And I remember everything I felt. So, not only do I feel guilt about the things I did, but also about the way I felt while doing those things. Because you see, it all feels so right to me, when I'm crazy. There's some kind of perverted logic to the things I do, everything has a reason, and at the time it all makes perfect sense. I feel so justified in the things I do, just like I feel justified now while saving someone's life. Afterwards I can never remember exactly why I did the things I did, but I know that what I did... felt good.  
  
I was free.  
  
And that scares me more than anything. 


End file.
